Dear little brother

The distance between today and the day I hate is growing smaller and smaller and it’s soon upon me. The day I lost you was the hardest of my life and I cant believe i have almost lived a decade without you since you died and left this life.

There isn’t a day where you don’t cross my mind and that I miss you my little brother. I wish you could see everything that have happened in my life and in our family since you left, everything is different now and it won’t ever be that way again, how could it if you aren’t here??

When I was 8 my life changed, but mostly yours did when we found out you had cancer and three years later my life fell apart, everything cracked and broke as you left us. I had to find myself again, a 11 year old girl that knows so much more pain then everyone my age around me in my class.

When you died I went into a shock, I had a hard time really believing that you were gone and that I would never see you again. Almost a decade later and I’m just now starting to get a grasp of my emotions and getting some tools to deal with this pain and sorrow.

My therapists tell me that this pain isn’t something that is just going away one day, but this pain after losing my brother and best friend will be eternal. It’s just a matter of fact of learning tools to deal with it so that it shrinks a bit and that I can control it so it doesn’t get to much

I hate the day I had to say good bye to you and to realise I could never hold you in my arms again and that you would never hug me back ever again and we wouldn’t have our stupid fights that we often had. I hate that you will never meet the man I will fall in love with and eventually marry and you will never meet my future kids and they will only know your name and face from photos and not truely knowing the amazing boy you are and how strong and bravely you fought for survival each and every day.

But most of all I miss you, I miss your voice, your laugh, your eyes and everything that makes you you, I know i will see you after Im finished here for this lifetime and then we will be united again but until then you will always be in my mind and in my heart.